We came home yesterday from our annual summer vacation. As I mentioned earlier, my husband has been out of town training for a new job (for the month) so he wasn't going to be able to make it, but he flew in for the weekend (thank you dad for the free miles!). The kids and I were so excited to see him! We had two wonderful days together and the weather couldn't have been more perfect. After we dropped him off at the airport Sunday night, a sinking feeling entered into the pit of my stomach and stayed the rest of the trip. I did enjoy myself, the weather continued to be beautiful, the kids played wiffle ball and we devoured huge ice-cream cones every night. We rode bikes, walked the beach, and yes I saw amazing sunsets (with nothing obstructing my view!). My parents helped a ton and we all got along without any major blow outs and for me that is really an accomplishment or should I say miracle?
But this gnawing, aching, lonely feeling would not go away. Our vacation was not complete without daddy! We all missed him terribly. I kept thinking about others who live everyday without their spouses, whether they've lost them, or they are off serving our country, or they just plain up and left. My heart goes out to single moms (and dads), they are strong, strong people. This little bit of time without Joe has really put my life into perspective for me. I am so spoiled. I am so blessed. I take my husband for granted way too much!! Not just with all of his help which trust me, I am so thankful for, but I take HIM for granted. My favorite place to be in the whole world is in his embrace, not to mention that he is the very best friend that I have ever had. This distance between us has brought my heart closer to his more than I ever thought was possible. I want him to know how much I appreciate him, all of him. We don't know what time we have left here. I want to try to live everyday as if it were our last together. I know that in the throws of life and all of the hustle and bustle, it is easy to forget, but I want to remember these feelings that I have been having this last week. I don't want to forget the sick stomach I have when he is away and I don't want my words to be empty, but filled with action. I want to show him how much I care because we might not have another day here on this earth together.
As dramatic and extreme as this may sound, part of me has felt like Joe has died. I know that I am ignorant when it comes to death, but my soul has been so downcast and lonely without him and on vacation I kept thinking. "This is what our family vacation would be like if he ever died." God knows how oblivious I am to the reality of death. In all of His grace, He comforts me, even if I am a drama queen. I am His drama queen and he loves me. So I leave you with this,
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.
Jesus I cast all my cares upon you. Thank you for carrying my burdens no matter how big or small they may seem to others. You are my refuge in all things. I will praise your name forever! Thank you for turning my sadness into joy!