Showing Up

I rented "The Soloist" the other night On-Demand. First of all, what an amazing movie! I love watching movies based on true events and I did a little researching of my own and came to realize that the movie was very accurate. Mr. Nathaniel Anthony Ayers is a paranoid schizophrenic living on the streets of Los Angeles. Mr. Steven Lopez is a columnist for the LA Times who happens to come across Nathaniel playing the violin in the park. Always looking for a good story, Steve is intrigued by Mr. Ayers who obviously is homeless and a virtuoso all at the same time. Steve finds out that Nathaniel studied at The Julliard School in 1970 but dropped out. Mr. Lopez not only begins a column on Nathaniel but he also begins a friendship with him as well. A friendship that he later will refer to as

"the most meaningful friendship of my life, the one that I've learned the most from..."

Lopez tries to help Ayers. He gives him new instruments to play. music lessons and tries to get him to live in an apartment instead of the streets. But Mr. Ayers doesn't want to change. Unfortunately his illness keeps him from living a normal life and when his life as he knew it was compromised, he couldn't handle it. In the movie Nathaniel becomes physically violent with Steve at times and flies off the handle with fits of rage. Lopez receives some very good advice that I haven't been able to get out of my mind. His colleague who happens to be his ex-wife says to him,

"You can't heal Nathaniel, just be his friend and show up!"

There were many references to grace in the movie. I couldn't help but be saddened and emotionally drained as I watched the homeless people living in the streets. So many of them are mentally-ill. In researching the real-life Nathaniel I found out that he went through electric-shock therapy at a young age and refuses any type of medication now.

Sometimes there are people in my life who I feel need to be "healed". It could be a number of different things that I think they need delivered from but nonetheless they need to be changed in my opinion. And when the chips are down and everything is all out on the table and all parties have heard my opinions and know what I believe and why I believe it, sometimes I think God is calling me to,

"...be a friend and show up!"

because I am not going to heal anyone.

There was only one healer and his name is Jesus Christ.

As a follower of Christ I am called to love the loveless.

Show hope to the hopeless.

Be a friend to the friendless.

Be there when somebody needs you, even if you know that you're not going to "change" or "heal" them.

In other words,

"JUST SHOW UP!"

Presence in the Panic

The summer between my sophomore and junior years of high school I decided to sign up for the diving team. My cousin, Andrea, who was more like a sister urged me to join her in this new venture. Always loving gymnastics and the Summer Olympics I agreed to give it a whirl and while most of our friends were snoozing we would wake up early every weekday morning in the chilly Michigan air and practice up at our local pool with one of the swimming coaches. Beginning a sport at the age of sixteen is definitely a challenge but with great effort I got through the season and surprisingly learned all of the different dives that were required to earn a varsity letter. Some dives were a little nerve-wracking but I found it fun and rewarding. The following year,when I became a senior, is when everything changed.

We started practice in August and quite a few months had passed since I stepped foot on the board so getting back into the groove was a lot more difficult than I had anticipated. But I was determined and muddled through for about a month.

And then one late, dark September night the phone rang and from the other end came horrible news. My cousin, Jason, had been driving home from work and ran off the road right into a tree, totaling his car he had to be pulled out by the jaws of life. He was on life-support but brain dead and his dad told us that he was going to pull the plug. Jason passed away leaving behind two siblings, both brothers, one his twin. We went to a heart-wrenching funeral and buried my sixteen year old cousin. This horrific event triggered a fear inside of me that I had never experienced prior.

Every time I would get up on the diving board to do practically any of the eleven different dives that I practiced, all I could see in my mind was my forehead banking off of the hard board. I pictured blood pouring out of me and could actually see myself floating in the water. Panic and fear would rip through my whole being. My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest and my stomach had butterflies fluttering around a million miles per minute. This was the first of many panic-attacks to come throughout my life.

Just the other day my mom asked me if she thinks that I could ever dive again. I told her that I could absolutely NOT!!! I would be so scared!! We talked about it and that very night I had a dream that I was a senior in high school and back at practice. It was one of those dreams that seemed so real. My coach was there and my friends. I even told Joe about it when I woke up.

The next evening my mom and I, Jonah and Ayla were having dinner out at our favorite restaurant and the head coach of the Swimming and Diving team happened to walk in with his wife. I hadn't seen him for a number of years. I went over to him and said hello and told him about my crazy dream.

With Christmas this past month my anxiety level has been through the roof to a new place that I didn't even know existed.

Furthermore, I think God is trying to convey something to me. He has helped me to recollect the very first time I felt out of control and washed over with fear and He is reminding me that He was right there with me holding my hand just as He is right now. He hasn't let go and He won't! When I am out of control, He is in control. I don't believe that He allowed and allows me to suffer through this without a purpose. Maybe I will always struggle with this anxiety and panic.

But I won't live through it alone and helpless.

I have an ever-present, omnipotent, all-knowing, all-loving, never-turning, life-breathing, mercy-showing, , unfailing, tear-washing, always restoring, ever-faithful in His redeeming GOD at my side!!!!

Psalm 91:1&2
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

12.25.09

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Enjoying my family by our fire and warmly light tree.

Thanking my Heavenly Father for sending his blessed son to save the whole earth.

Praying for peace on earth and good will toward men.

Loving this season and all of the giving that I have witnessed.

Blessings!!!

Thanksgiving

As grateful as I am for my loving husband and my beautiful children this year I am most thankful for the ultimate peace that passes all understanding. Sadness and heartache have bitten my soul in this season of my life and the merciful hand of my loving God has held onto me and reassured me that He will never leave or forsake me. Human relationships will always let me down but the strength of the Lord will always prevail. I have recently come into contact with an atheist who is just downright bitter and I have to agree that I would be too if I had absolutely no faith in anything at all. I know that I would want to just curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep everynight if I could not pray to a God who heard my cries! And as amazing and complex as our human bodies are and can be, I just find it hard to believe that I have absolutely anything at all to do with sending peace over my whole body when I am uttering my petitions and requests to my savior. Time and time again a spirit of fear has been transformed into a spirit of calm peace.

So today I am thanking my precious savior for reaching down to this broken heart and putting the pieces right back together again and leading me to calm waters!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

The "Fret-Train Express"

With all of the media hype I have found myself falling into the pit of worry about my children's health. Micah came down with a fever last night and Jonah had a low grade one today. My mind immediately began to race and panic set in as I envisioned the most horrible outcome imaginable happening to my precious ones. Because lets face it this whole H1N1 thing has driven people into a fearful, anxious state of mind and I have climbed right on board the "fret-train express"!!

In the blink of an eye I seem to discard all of my hope in my ever present help and I trade it in for a spirit of fear and anxiety. All too quickly I let the prince of this world suck me into this tunnel of worry!

And I know that is not where my God wants his child. I am His! Just like I don't want my little ones to panic or worry about getting sick, I know that my Heavenly Father wants me to rest assured on His everlasting promises. He has hidden His word in my heart for these very times and I have to admit that even though I know I should be, since I quit the Bible Quizzing team in 7th grade I haven't been much of a scripture memorizer.

But here are some verses that have helped me today:

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sound mind" 1st Timothy 1:7


"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27


"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:27


"1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress" Psalm 46:1-7

Running, Running, Running

What else is new? We have been going, going, going. My little sister had her beautiful wedding in the beginning of the month. The following weekend we had a tournament in Cleveland for Jonah's hockey team, which they won! (and I have to brag for a second that my sweet Jonah scored the winning goal of a shoot-out in the semi-final game!!!) On Mondays Micah and Jonah both have hockey practice at different times but the same rink, thankfully. On Tuesdays, I work an afternoon shift so that is a free night for Joe. On Wednesdays, Micah has hockey-On Thursdays, Jonah. Fridays are usually free and on Saturdays I work but Micah has hockey-so my wonderful hubby packs up the kids and takes him to his practice or game. Sundays are church and most of the time hockey does not interfere which is so nice for a change and Sunday evenings we have dinner at my in-laws.

Run, run, run. Lately, God has been helping me to cherish the down time that I do have. Today I took Ayla on a walk and gazed at the brilliant blue sky painted with several shades of crisp autumn leaves and took some time to slow down and thank my God for His creation and the beauty of it. I had a little bit of time to step back and breathe in a few moments of unhurried, quiet time. My heart is always racing and I am constantly thinking of what I need to do or what I haven't done and today I was reminded of God's peace in all of that. Once again I felt God's gentle voice urging me to let go of trying to control my life. If I can't trust Him in the little, menial things how in the world am I going to trust Him when my world comes crashing down all around me? I need to give Him everything! And maybe my run will begin to feel more like a slow, peaceful jog!!

A Tame Tongue

Next Saturday is my little sister's wedding. My family of five are all in it. The boys are going to be the ring bearers and Ayla is the flower girl. I'm doing Elizabeth's hair and Ayla's hair, of course, and giving a "matron of honor" speech at the reception. But those are the least of my concerns. I am singing a song at the ceremony and I have been hoarse since June. I thought it was my allergies, the same thing happened last year, but am realizing now that I must have strained my vocal chords somehow. Hmmm, maybe screaming at the hockey rink, or raising my voice at the kids, or talking over the blow-dryers at work, or just talking in general-which I happen to be REALLY good at! I gave my former voice coach a call this morning to give me some tips on what to do. She let me know that I have to rest my voice, like try not to talk, especially on the phone. What?? Me, not talk? Now that is a TALL order! What a lesson on taming my tongue!! Not only am I praying that God will heal my voice by the wedding but I have to do my part in this whole thing too!! Once again I find God pruning me through circumstances. This is going to be interesting!! Hey, at least I can blog!!! My fingers are still fine!

James 3:1-12
Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.

When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.



All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt[a] water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.