Saturday, May 17, 2014
The sun descended its usual descent. The clouds broke and my eyes could soak up the blazing ball out my window. I glanced back into our family room and the streaks of golden ate up the creamy carpet and pathed their beams upon my darling boy. He looked up at me across the room with those gray blue eyes of his all brightened up and twinkling almost dancing right out of his teenaged self. I had a moment sitting there across from him a few feet away. Memories seemed to shoot through my mind and into my heart. I could feel him as a baby in my arms rocking his long lanky body in our tiny, yellow first house. The noise of the main road behind us even filled my ears as I recollected the apple trees outside the nursery window that was always wide open in the warm weather since we had no air conditioning. I remember cringing and praying he wouldn't wake when the loud motorcycles and semis would boom by. To keep him there, in my arms, in my memories I know was impossible but at that very moment tonight, I wanted to go back there. Not only to have control over his little world that was held in my arms but also to journey back to the person I was 13 years ago. Parenting, schedules, work, life can turn a person, a mama, this mama, into something she never dreamed she'd become. And I stand in the sunlit room humbled by these thoughts. How I've failed him, that boy lying on the floor looking over at me with his half turned up smile. My intentions to first love him with a marrow deep love and rear him in grace and truth haven't happened as planned. I have fallen down over and over again. High expectations and short tempers have trumped mercy many times. My eyes start to well and my voice quivers as these emotions take over and I mumble a few misplaced words to him. And as I speak, I can physically feel the love of God, even a bit of His glory shine down upon me. I feel Him, His beautiful grace calming every regret, every fear of ruining my sweet boy for life. I try to explain it to Jonah and he jumps out of the sunshine and into the shadows and I get that look that I have been getting recently from him. The "Oh my gosh mom, seriously? " look. And I snap back into the here and now, irritation biting in my gut and once again I am a mama to a teenager. But in this moment I can smile to myself feeling a reassurance of forgiveness and strength to carry on. I feel the sovereignty of God in my core and know in my heart that He works together all things for the good of those that love Him in Christ Jesus.