Let It Go

She has seen the movie not once, not twice, not even thrice...but FOUR times.  Birthday parties, grandmas and one mama were all happily buying her a ticket to go and check out the animated "Broadway" flick.  It also helped occupy some time off of school with the polar vortex and Snowmageddon 2014 between cold days and snow days.  Why didn't it snow like that back in the 80's...like EVER!  Seriously, I think we had maybe 2 snow days my whole 13 years in public school...Anyway, "Frozen" has been a hit at our house (at least with the two females living here and even if they deny it, all of the males know every. single. word. to the hit song).  And Ayla, I left her home for a couple of hours with her big brothers one day, (probably a stinking snow day for goodness' sake)  while I ran some errands...She had my I-Pad and I set her up on disney.com before I left.  Upon returning, as I unlocked the door I heard her sweet little voice belting out as I turned the key.  I entered the house to her standing on the couch, looking at herself in the mirror and singing with her arms thrown up in the air, "LET IT GO, LET IT GO"...She must have found the instrumental/accompaniment on the website...I blinked back my proud tears and had a quick vision of her playing the young Cosette in "Les Miserables" at the Fisher Theater downtown in a couple of years..(a theater buff can dream, right?)

So the boys come running to me crying out, almost as dramatically as their baby sister...

"She hasn't stopped singing this song the whole time you were gone, make her stop mom, please, HELP...!!!"

As she belts out,

"Can't hold it back any-mooore!"

And the boys don't hold back either...as they beg me to get her to be quiet...but there were little smirks on their faces and deep down, I would almost bet (if I were a betting woman, which I'm not...) that they were loving every minute of their cute little girl gracing them with her sweet vibrato...

She sings,

 "...The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside...Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried..."

Powerful words...Swirling storms and trying to keep holding it all together..Been there, done that.  Like every. single. day...

But she continues,

"Don't let them in, don't let them see...Be the good girl you always have to be...Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know...Well, now they now..."

How many times in my life have I been afraid to let people in?  Always wanting to please and be the good girl.  These words are resonating.  Hitting some nerves as my 6 year old climbs up on the arm of the couch, picturing herself on a snowy cliff on top of the world,

"Let it Go, Let it Go, Can't hold it back anymore!" 

The notes hit my ears and my heart opens up big as I take it all in...I want to climb up on top of the icy mountaintop right next to her and LET IT ALL GO.  The fears and anxiety...The facades and people-pleasing...

I want to shut the door, slam it, like my daughter sings, in the pretend faces of my imaginary audience.  I don't want to care what they may say, I want to let the storm rage on...

As she sings on,

"It's funny how some distance...Makes everything seem small...And the fears that once controlled me Can't get to me at all..."

Wow, how often does my fear control me?  I wish it couldn't get to me...maybe I should step back, distance myself from all of it?  There is only one healthy fear...the fear of God...which is more of a reverence or holy fear, and nothing to be afraid of but rather something to stand in awe of...so why do I ever fear?

The song builds and she says,

"It's time to see what I can do...To test the limits and break through...No right, no wrong, no rules for me...I'm free"  

Testing the limits, busting through, breaking free...with no rules, no expectations that I have set on myself...FREEDOM!

And I think to myself, what a beautiful reminder of the freedom I have in Christ!  Freedom from not only the burden of my hideous sin but also of the burden of my self righteous, good-girl acts, every. single. one...

"Let it go, let it go...And I'll rise like the break of dawn...Let it go, let it go...That perfect girl is gone"

And the plateau of the song is reached as my arms reach up high letting go of that perfect girl!  Every girl can relate to wanting to shed the false image of perfection.  How we long to embrace the mold of acceptance, just how we are, where we are, as we are...Today, we come, bowing low but opened up wide to a savior who we can let it all go to... and receive from...the freedom that is only found in His great love!~  Praise be to God!

Thanking God, the Most High One, tonight for His amazing grace that covers and saves, transforms and redeems!

Perfectly No Resolution

The second week of the new year is about to begin and finally we are back in the swing of things.  Because last week snow fell fierce and temperatures plummeted into record lows and my plans to get back into a schedule were put on hold with school closings and never ending snow shoveling...So this week, this week feels more like the very beginning of January and the new year and new things.

New Year's resolutions and me have a bad relationship.  Annually, 11:50 pm rolls in and I go through the same pep talk in my mind, conversing to my God...When the clock strikes midnight I inhale deeply, usually kiss the hubby and/or kids, take a breath and think to myself how long can I go without messing up?  A few seconds, a minute, an hour?  Fresh starts like fresh fallen crisp white puffy snowflakes are beckoning...And I have great intentions of doing life better.  I gaze into my loved ones' eyes and make silent vows to be better to do better.  How my heart yearns to be proactive instead of reactive.  There are many changes, some small...some huge...Year after year, they don't waver much and years have turned into decades and I continue to struggle...

So this year, 2014 barely in existence, I have done the drill with myself...we toast, embrace and pack up the kids and head home from company, good company, and my heart is full...how rapidly a moment can turn foul.  She wakes up and throws a fit begging us to turn around and stay the night.  She slept over last year and wanted to again...The small space can't contain her raging lungs and my fresh start somersaults completely around into a deep pit of lost patience.  "Happy Freaking New Year,"  slips up from my sin-filled heart and right off of this untamed tongue out into my precious one's ears and into their little hearts.  And I rage it out more than once...So much for my few moments of perfection...

So very often I try to do the right thing.  I vow, promise, and no sooner do I find myself sunk down in a deep hole of regret and mistake.  Trying so hard to be "good enough"  or "better than" and most of the time I end up flat on my face...seeking forgiveness from the offended, from my God.  And in those moments I am humbled beyond words.  And I hear what I believe to be the small, still voice of Him, my savior, quietly pleading with me to extend the same grace He gives to all, to myself.

'But He gives more grace.  Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."'
James 4:6

So this year I'm not making any resolutions that will get broken and lost.  I'm going to stop trying so hard to be better and quit aiming for PERFECTION.  Instead I will cling to the hope I have in my Redeemer...I will be "confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in me [you] will PERFECT it until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil 1:6)

I will try very hard to let go and let God...as the saying goes...

    

2014 Recapped

So long 2014...

We made many memories...

Here is a recap of the pretty wonderful ones... 

The not so great ones are hidden in my heart hopefully helping shape me into something better...

But all won't be forgotten...

 

 

Looking back on 2013...

2013

2012...

2012

And  2011

2011

 

 

4 years have come and gone so fast.  My babies aren't little anymore...I love looking back at these moments and remembering each one.  God is so good and has blessed us beyond measure.  I sit here with a full grateful heart anticipating and embracing all that He has planned for us for 2015....

Living Life Small

"Out of the mouths of babes" so the saying goes... or something like that...

Don't they crack you up sometimes, those little ones?  Thank God that they can do that, right?  Because the Lord, He, also knows how often they can make the blood boil in us parents.  But I have to share Ayla's latest line.  We were at my mother in law's for Sunday dinner and she was sitting on the landing putting on her shoes to go home.  Her cousin's miniature labradoodle, Bauer, was sitting next to her.  My sister-in-law was standing over them and asked Ayla, 

"Is Bauer your buddy?"

She replies "Yes" and looks at the dog and up at her aunt and shrugs her shoulders and says,

"It must be really strange living life so small like that..."

And even now I chuckle thinking about her little voice uttering those words...

I am humored but at the same time in awe of what a six year old brings to my attention.

How much of my life is spent up on my high horse?  Quick to guard my ego and lash a rebuttal.  Or how often do I stand tall on my pedestal?  Gazing down hard at those underneath where I have arrived or thought I have arrived in my arrogance that sometimes hides behind a false religion or legalism.  I might as well be hurling stones at those below on the ground outside of my comfortable box... 

What if I decided to live life really strange and jump down off of the high road falling hard on the ground beneath me bent over on my hands and knees?

There may be some bruising even some scrapes that draw blood...

My pride will wound me and it will hurt I am sure...

But how really strange life would be for those around me and myself and most importantly the kingdom of Heaven if I started living life small like that.  Because last I heard, Jesus carried his cross down the road to the place where he was brutally crucified...and I don't think he was riding a high horse or standing proud on his pedestal but rather he was bent over in humility and grace.  And in turn His sacrifice would become the greatest gift ever given to us.   

How beautifully strange living life so small can be!

  

Five Minute Friday: Laundry

Go:
Laundry and I , we don't go together too well...I mean AT ALL!! Really there isn't something out there that I loathe more than dirty clothes that need cleaned, or clean ones for that matter that need folded and put away.  How I long for a tidy laundry room with empty baskets and clear floors.  But in all reality that just isn't going to happen in my lifetime, like EVER!  So I have embraced the fact that the piles will remain, most of the time un-seperated and towering high.  And as I confess this awful secret that hides behind a tightly closed door...I can't help but think about the dirty little secrets of our lives that hide behind these doors.  Whatever may be locked up tight and tucked away...we all have them.  And I know that I wouldn't want my dirty laundry being aired out to a judging audience that's for sure!  Instead, whether it be literally or figuratively...how I long to surround myself with those who understand and can relate to the Mount Everest piling high in my small grayish blue painted room or on the folds of my heart that hold my soul.  What I don't yearn for are pointing fingers at my clothes or my confessions.  I long for a place where my dirty laundry can be aired and encouragement may be whispered instead of judgement pointed.  Tonight that is my prayer...To clean up with support that I can totally confide in without chastisement but with love....

Five Minute Friday: Ordinary

How to Join:

Want to know how Five Minute Friday got started and how to participate? All the details are here.

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

OK, are you ready? Please give us your best five minutes on the word:::

Ordinary…

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My big sister who is two years older and a lot more comfortable in her own skin was voted "Class Individual" her senior year of high school.  She was the opposite of ordinary.  She rode her bike to school and wore bell bottoms in the 90's before they were back in style.  She loved her straw hat and in her free time enjoyed frolicking in the sparse woods that lined the small city we lived in.  I on the other hand yearned to be the ordinary.  To fit in and mesh with all the other brand named kids gracing the halls of our blue and gold themed school.  I wanted to find acceptance in the in-crowd and be well-liked.  I guess part of it was my middle child people pleasing personality.  All I ever wanted was to be accepted but how afraid I was to show the real me.  If other kids found out who I really was underneath the cheerleading uniform and curled hair, I was worried they would reject me.  I was always a good girl but not too good to slip into the crowd.

And still I struggle with this.  Despite the fact that I am a 35 year old woman married and raising three children, I still worry way too much of what others around me think.  I am consumed so much of the time, whether it be through technology or actual human relationships with my peers, coworkers, church-goers, etc.  that I have offended and not pleased the other person.  I read into Facebook posts and Twitters and think, "Are they talking to me?"  How often do I measure self-worth through "likes" and comments.  And why am I intimidated of people who are typing and hiding behind computer screens who can't just pick up the phone and call me if there is a problem or conflict?

Why can't I just be more like my big sis who still isn't afraid to take a stand for what she believes in?  People pleasing can be a dangerous thing.  And I am done.  Ready to face the unordinary head on.  

Knows Your Name

When we were young so long ago, two decades now, he used to sing to me.  He would sing one song and one song only.  His buddies told him he sounded just like the guy who sang it on the television.  I thought he sounded even better.  His singing voice still sends chills down my spine all these years later... 

The words of the theme song to the popular TV show really do have deep truths...

"Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got

 taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot

 wouldn't you like to get away? (HECK YA! after taking care of the kids for two days while he is outta town)

 Sometimes you wanna go

 Where everybody knows your name

 And they're always glad you came

 You wanna be where you can see

 Your troubles are all the same

 You wanna go where everybody knows your name"

(insert dododododoo-doo)

And tonight he is really living out those words that he sang so sweetly to me so many moons ago...

He is in Boston on business and went to "Cheers"  

I couldn't help but smile when he sent me the pic:

And as I hummed the song and thought of the words, I was reminded of a truth that my God knows me by name.  

"...Do not fear for I have redeemed you;  I have summoned you by name;  you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;  and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;  the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the LORD your God, the holy one of Israel."  (Isaiah 43)

My God knows who I am, He knows my name...and He is with me through the carpool line which lets just be honest can feel like walking through fire or passing through sweeping, raging waters...It is scary! Yet very reassuring knowing He is with me while I am dodging mini-vans being operated by crazy moms on cell phones and jacked up on caffeine.  

But in all seriousness, He is with me and knows my name. 

Which brings me to my next point...Now please keep in mind that I am not a biblical scholar and will never ever claim to understand commentary or translation but I thought it was very interesting that as I read on God is calling out His people...reassuring to "draw out His sons and daughters from the ends of the earth"...and then it reads:

"everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made."

He knows my name but has called me by His name.  

I have a new name in Christ.  Which is His name.    

I am not my own, I am His...Let His name be glorified in the hustle and bustle and when I am worn thin. When the kids are bickering and I am drowning, He is there bringing me up for air.  When I am feeling burnt out, He assures me that I will not be burned up...

 And as I'm making my way in the world today (feeling used up and spent),

 taking everything I've got  (I can always go right to the feet of Jesus)

 I can take a break from all my worries...because it sure does help a lot! 

 I would like to get away

 and I can go to Him who called me by my name

 and I think that He's always glad I came...

 

(insert dododododoodoo)