The Second Journey

Where does the time go?

I can't believe that today was the last day of 1st and 3rd grades for my boys. An array of emotions have rushed through me throughout the last several hours. I am so happy that summer has begun and just plain astonished that the boys are growing so fast.

I don't know how the last few months have gotten away with me! Hockey is over and baseball has begun! The boys also had their very first piano recital last week. They both did amazing! Micah played "Singing In the Rain" and Jonah played "Rock Around the Clock". Both of them walked right up to the piano, sat down and knocked it out, no qualms about it! I sat back and soaked it all in. They made me a proud mama.

My children never cease to astound me. They fill up my heart with such joy. I am thrilled and excited to have them home for the summer.

We leave for our annual vacation the day after tomorrow. I am reminded of when I started writing this blog almost two years ago when my husband wasn't able to come with us. I am so thankful that we are all able to go as a family together this year. So easily I forget how grateful I should be for that!

As I prepare for this vacation I am reminded of my spiritual trek. Recently I have learned that a lot of people come to a fork in the road between the ages of 30 and 60 where they realize that everything they have been working towards in life just returns void. Whether it be success, material goods, happiness or a perfect little family that was the goal, when achieved the satisfaction was just not quite there. Some people refer to what happens as a "mid-life crisis". What follows is referred to in a book I'm reading as the "Second Journey" in life.

Circumstances and spiritual awakenings in my soul have prompted me to this time in my own life. I feel like God is calling me to begin a new walk with Him. As I take the first steps I feel Him asking me to throw off all of the garbage that has been crippling my walk and weighing me down. I hear His gentle voice urging me to cast all of my baggage upon Him. He whispers to me,

"Remember I suffered for this. I bled for all of it. Every inch of your sin. I died for it, remember? It's mine, not yours. I paid the price, over 2000 years ago. Why are you holding onto any bit of it and lugging it around like it's yours to carry? Don't you remember? I defeated death and rose on the third day, all for you and your sin. Because your Father in Heaven loved you more than you'll ever fathom. How can you lug around this burden, this guilt? Don't you trust me? Don't you feel my love? My grace? My victory over death? I didn't die in vain so why are you treating me like I did? Let it go. Cast all of your cares upon me, that's what I died for!"

And so it begins, this second journey we'll call it. Today I take the first step of faith toward my all forgiving, mercy abounding Jesus who calls me God's adopted daughter. I will trust that He will not let go of my hand as I reach up.

His Rescue

On this Easter weekend I have been reminded that Christ who is my complete pardon and access to the Father died on a cross to allow me and all of creation a chance to completely die to ALL of my sin!! Through his resurrection I have been rescued and made ALIVE in him. He came so that I might have life and have it more ABUNDANTLY!! His grace is unfathomable and the freedom that I have in my precious redeeming Savior is what I cling to.

I will never ever be good enough on my own, how thankful I am for God's amazing grace!!

When the enemy throws guilt in my face-I think of my one true love's blood soaked face from the razor sharp thorn of crowns that he wore.

And he did it...all for me.

When the proud and arrogant scoff at me-I think of the rowdy crowd mocking him, insulting and degrading him.

And he did it...all for me.

When shame and embarrassment engulf me-I think of his stripped-down body that was whipped and ripped apart.

And he let them do it...all for me.

When this thorn in my side attacks my life-I think of the knife that was jabbed into his side slowly shutting down each of his vital organs.

And he let them do it...all for me.

When shouts of anger spew from my tongue-I think of a whisper uttered from his lips, "It is finished".

And he said it...all for me.


He denied the grave, victoriously he rose again to allow me complete freedom from anything that would separate me from my Heavenly Father.

Once again I will shout,
How thankful I am for God's amazing grace!!! Without Jesus and his ransom that he paid for my very soul I would and will NEVER EVER be good enough!!

Now that's something to talk about!!!

Showing Up

I rented "The Soloist" the other night On-Demand. First of all, what an amazing movie! I love watching movies based on true events and I did a little researching of my own and came to realize that the movie was very accurate. Mr. Nathaniel Anthony Ayers is a paranoid schizophrenic living on the streets of Los Angeles. Mr. Steven Lopez is a columnist for the LA Times who happens to come across Nathaniel playing the violin in the park. Always looking for a good story, Steve is intrigued by Mr. Ayers who obviously is homeless and a virtuoso all at the same time. Steve finds out that Nathaniel studied at The Julliard School in 1970 but dropped out. Mr. Lopez not only begins a column on Nathaniel but he also begins a friendship with him as well. A friendship that he later will refer to as

"the most meaningful friendship of my life, the one that I've learned the most from..."

Lopez tries to help Ayers. He gives him new instruments to play. music lessons and tries to get him to live in an apartment instead of the streets. But Mr. Ayers doesn't want to change. Unfortunately his illness keeps him from living a normal life and when his life as he knew it was compromised, he couldn't handle it. In the movie Nathaniel becomes physically violent with Steve at times and flies off the handle with fits of rage. Lopez receives some very good advice that I haven't been able to get out of my mind. His colleague who happens to be his ex-wife says to him,

"You can't heal Nathaniel, just be his friend and show up!"

There were many references to grace in the movie. I couldn't help but be saddened and emotionally drained as I watched the homeless people living in the streets. So many of them are mentally-ill. In researching the real-life Nathaniel I found out that he went through electric-shock therapy at a young age and refuses any type of medication now.

Sometimes there are people in my life who I feel need to be "healed". It could be a number of different things that I think they need delivered from but nonetheless they need to be changed in my opinion. And when the chips are down and everything is all out on the table and all parties have heard my opinions and know what I believe and why I believe it, sometimes I think God is calling me to,

"...be a friend and show up!"

because I am not going to heal anyone.

There was only one healer and his name is Jesus Christ.

As a follower of Christ I am called to love the loveless.

Show hope to the hopeless.

Be a friend to the friendless.

Be there when somebody needs you, even if you know that you're not going to "change" or "heal" them.

In other words,

"JUST SHOW UP!"

Presence in the Panic

The summer between my sophomore and junior years of high school I decided to sign up for the diving team. My cousin, Andrea, who was more like a sister urged me to join her in this new venture. Always loving gymnastics and the Summer Olympics I agreed to give it a whirl and while most of our friends were snoozing we would wake up early every weekday morning in the chilly Michigan air and practice up at our local pool with one of the swimming coaches. Beginning a sport at the age of sixteen is definitely a challenge but with great effort I got through the season and surprisingly learned all of the different dives that were required to earn a varsity letter. Some dives were a little nerve-wracking but I found it fun and rewarding. The following year,when I became a senior, is when everything changed.

We started practice in August and quite a few months had passed since I stepped foot on the board so getting back into the groove was a lot more difficult than I had anticipated. But I was determined and muddled through for about a month.

And then one late, dark September night the phone rang and from the other end came horrible news. My cousin, Jason, had been driving home from work and ran off the road right into a tree, totaling his car he had to be pulled out by the jaws of life. He was on life-support but brain dead and his dad told us that he was going to pull the plug. Jason passed away leaving behind two siblings, both brothers, one his twin. We went to a heart-wrenching funeral and buried my sixteen year old cousin. This horrific event triggered a fear inside of me that I had never experienced prior.

Every time I would get up on the diving board to do practically any of the eleven different dives that I practiced, all I could see in my mind was my forehead banking off of the hard board. I pictured blood pouring out of me and could actually see myself floating in the water. Panic and fear would rip through my whole being. My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest and my stomach had butterflies fluttering around a million miles per minute. This was the first of many panic-attacks to come throughout my life.

Just the other day my mom asked me if she thinks that I could ever dive again. I told her that I could absolutely NOT!!! I would be so scared!! We talked about it and that very night I had a dream that I was a senior in high school and back at practice. It was one of those dreams that seemed so real. My coach was there and my friends. I even told Joe about it when I woke up.

The next evening my mom and I, Jonah and Ayla were having dinner out at our favorite restaurant and the head coach of the Swimming and Diving team happened to walk in with his wife. I hadn't seen him for a number of years. I went over to him and said hello and told him about my crazy dream.

With Christmas this past month my anxiety level has been through the roof to a new place that I didn't even know existed.

Furthermore, I think God is trying to convey something to me. He has helped me to recollect the very first time I felt out of control and washed over with fear and He is reminding me that He was right there with me holding my hand just as He is right now. He hasn't let go and He won't! When I am out of control, He is in control. I don't believe that He allowed and allows me to suffer through this without a purpose. Maybe I will always struggle with this anxiety and panic.

But I won't live through it alone and helpless.

I have an ever-present, omnipotent, all-knowing, all-loving, never-turning, life-breathing, mercy-showing, , unfailing, tear-washing, always restoring, ever-faithful in His redeeming GOD at my side!!!!

Psalm 91:1&2
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

12.25.09

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Enjoying my family by our fire and warmly light tree.

Thanking my Heavenly Father for sending his blessed son to save the whole earth.

Praying for peace on earth and good will toward men.

Loving this season and all of the giving that I have witnessed.

Blessings!!!

Thanksgiving

As grateful as I am for my loving husband and my beautiful children this year I am most thankful for the ultimate peace that passes all understanding. Sadness and heartache have bitten my soul in this season of my life and the merciful hand of my loving God has held onto me and reassured me that He will never leave or forsake me. Human relationships will always let me down but the strength of the Lord will always prevail. I have recently come into contact with an atheist who is just downright bitter and I have to agree that I would be too if I had absolutely no faith in anything at all. I know that I would want to just curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep everynight if I could not pray to a God who heard my cries! And as amazing and complex as our human bodies are and can be, I just find it hard to believe that I have absolutely anything at all to do with sending peace over my whole body when I am uttering my petitions and requests to my savior. Time and time again a spirit of fear has been transformed into a spirit of calm peace.

So today I am thanking my precious savior for reaching down to this broken heart and putting the pieces right back together again and leading me to calm waters!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

The "Fret-Train Express"

With all of the media hype I have found myself falling into the pit of worry about my children's health. Micah came down with a fever last night and Jonah had a low grade one today. My mind immediately began to race and panic set in as I envisioned the most horrible outcome imaginable happening to my precious ones. Because lets face it this whole H1N1 thing has driven people into a fearful, anxious state of mind and I have climbed right on board the "fret-train express"!!

In the blink of an eye I seem to discard all of my hope in my ever present help and I trade it in for a spirit of fear and anxiety. All too quickly I let the prince of this world suck me into this tunnel of worry!

And I know that is not where my God wants his child. I am His! Just like I don't want my little ones to panic or worry about getting sick, I know that my Heavenly Father wants me to rest assured on His everlasting promises. He has hidden His word in my heart for these very times and I have to admit that even though I know I should be, since I quit the Bible Quizzing team in 7th grade I haven't been much of a scripture memorizer.

But here are some verses that have helped me today:

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sound mind" 1st Timothy 1:7


"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27


"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:27


"1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress" Psalm 46:1-7