His Princess

Today is a new day and I am going to make the most of it. My sweet Ayla and I have had a good one so far and have been having tons of fun playing in her bedroom that we finally finished decorating over the weekend. I love having my little girl, she is such a princess. The boys adore her and there aren't words enough to express the place that she holds in her daddy's heart. I am so overprotective of her. Don't get me wrong, I am with the boys too, but with her it's different. I don't know if it's because she is my last baby or just because...

Today I have been thinking about how I am my heavenly Father's princess. I am his heir with an inheritance waiting for me that my human mind can't fathom. His love for me is beyond measure. He loves me more than I could ever imagine loving my sweet little Ayla. I am my beloveds' and He is mine because he holds a banner of love right over my life. I have been fortunate enough in my life to have a wonderful earthly father. He is the most generous person I have ever met and when it comes to his three daughters, he would drop anything to come running to our sides when we are in need of him. I am so blessed to have a godly father, but my Heavenly Father can love me with true Godly love because He is Love. He is perfect and knows how to perfectly love me and what is so ironic about it is that despite all of my shortcomings and all of my faults, He still loves me, no matter what because in Romans 8:38-39 we are told that,

"...neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."(NKJV)

The beginning of those two verses starts out with,

"For I am persuaded..." (New King James Version)

"For I am convinced..." (New International Version)

And for me that is the question. Am I totally and utterly persuaded that God loves me and nothing can take it away? Am I completely convinced of this? Being brutally honest I have to admit that I am not, at least some of the time. In order for me to remember this fact all of the time, I have to consciously remember His faithfulness to me in different circumstances of my life. And I am not saying that things in these instances necessarily turned out the way that I wanted them to, but looking back I know that God was faithful. He was in control, even when it didn't feel like it at the time. Just like we have to discipline our children sometimes, and it hurts because they are sad or upset, but we do it because we love them and in my lowly human flesh I cannot imagine anything being able to take away the love I have for my children. Again, how much more my God loves me!

How can I not believe that I am His "little princess" when He loved me so much that He sent His only Son to die for me so I could become an heir of His, adopted into His royal family.

So today I am remembering. I am remembering my Father's hand in my life, and how much he has and continues to shower me with His unfailing love.

The Mess

When we moved into our new house just over a year ago, I made a pact with myself that I was going to turn over a new leaf and keep a tidy house. I had no excuse now because we had so much more room and ample storage. The people who lived here previously kept the home absolutely immaculate to say the least. Picture this with me, a three-car garage with a finished floor and workshop area, but nothing, I mean NOTHING in it!!! So when we moved in, everything was in tip-top shape to say the least. We turned the key to open up the door for the first time and walked into this shiny wood floor, potpourri smelling house that would never, EVER look this good again and I felt like I had to keep it nice out of respect or something. The first week we were in here, Micah tore off this plastic trim piece that held the wall paper onto the corner of the walls and tore off sections of the wall paper with it and that was the first step to the downhill spiral of my messy house. (You'll never guess what the trim piece became...a lightsaber of course!)

As I have mentioned before, I struggle with this problem of keeping a tidy house. I get sick and tired of straightening up and constantly putting things away. When company comes over, I have a bad habit of shoving everything into the cupboards, drawers and closets and dread opening them back up because it reminds me of how unorganized I am and just gets me in a bad mood. I constantly have a burden hanging over me about my unorganized house and my unorganized life and I feel like a hamster running in his little wheel going nowhere yet running really fast and wasting a ton of energy for no reason at all.

So I got to thinking about this whole concept and it so relates to my life. My little family is on the go, on the run, if you will. Joe and I have fallen into the trap and just keep on going! We pile up all of our dirty-laundry and toss it in a pile and throw it in the closet because we don't have time or make time to deal with it. And when I think about all of the issues that need to be addressed, it overwhelms me, like my messy house, so I just put it off and keep piling it up. I don't want to start to dig into the junk out of fear of what I might find and just plain laziness. It seems so much easier to deal with it later. Yet when I shove my "stuff" around and push it all aside behind closed doors, it just sits there, piling up, until one day it comes busting through and spilling out because there is no more room left.

I want to begin to pick at it. I just need to take that first step and not look up at the huge mess because I know that it will take a while to work through. I need to stop living such a reactive life and become more proactive, especially in my relationships with my husband and my kids. And I am going to try not to be so hard on myself because I will make more little messes along the way, I just need to trust in my God to help me clean them up.

As far as the messy house goes, I've realized that I need to stop worrying and start living. I need to stop beating myself up about it. I need to start enjoying my children right in the middle of their MESS!

Anxious Prayers

A few days ago I found out that a very good friend of mine who has been trying for a very long time to become pregnant is with child. Our God is so good. He is so faithful and I am so thankful that my friend is experiencing pregnancy. Would you join me in praying for her? Her name is Amy and she has been a life-long friend of mine. I am praying that God will grant her the peace that passes all understanding as she goes through these next several months.

The peace that passes all understanding...

How I long for that. So much of the time I am anxious about EVERYTHING, instead of presenting my concerns up to God with prayer and supplication.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about when I was pregnant the very first time with Jonah. Two very important people in my life are expecting right now and I am thinking about them often and remembering my pregnancies, but for some reason I only remember the first time clearly (probably because I was busy taking care of other children the other times and couldn't really think about myself). Thankfully there weren't any complications, I just got to experience the miracle of housing another human being inside of me for nine months and I really wasn't concerned at all...that was, until he was born. After Jonah arrived here, I became a germophobic, panic-stricken, worry wort of a mother. I was so worried all of the time about my precious baby. I became obsessive about people getting him sick and when he was sick, I was sick to my stomach with worry!! I joke around with my friends and family and tell them that I didn't become a type A personality until I had kids, and it's the truth! Looking back on this I realize how God used this thorn to turn me to Him. I think I would have lost it, if I didn't have my faith and God has increased my faith and continues to do so through my children and their circumstances. Until I became a mom, I didn't ever realize how completely and utterly powerless I am as a human being. How could I, or how can I go through life without holding onto my God? I couldn't! Call me weak, Say I need a crutch, and I will agree! I am desperate. I need my God. I could not live one day without His unfailing love.

So that's where I am right now.

Powerless.

Weak.

In Need.

Reaching out to a God who reached His loving hand down for me.

Waiting on Him and knowing that He again will fill me with the peace that passes all understanding.

Praising Him in advance for all that He will continue to do in my life and the lives of those I love!

25

Merry Christmas!!

Micah prayed this morning,

"Thank you Jesus for bringing your light into the world."

I ditto that!

Have a wonderful day as you all celebrate the birth of our savior!

Slow Down

Is it really that time of year again already? How in the world did the Christmas season sneak up on me so quickly? It feels like we were just dressing up in our Halloween costumes and parading up and down our street asking for treats. ...and of course I am so far behind. I have so much more to do before Christmas and I really feel like my life is completely and utterly chaotic!!

Last week poor Ayla came down with the stomach flu. (Rotovirus to be exact. My doctor of course let me know that had I gotten the vaccine for her, she never would have contracted it. Boy, if that doesn't put an already concerned mother on a major guilt trip, I don't know what does...) Next, I caught it, then Joe, then Jonah. Micah has been the only one in the clear, but that could change in a heartbeat as we know all too well. I think that I have been more stressed out this Christmas than ever before. I am working more now than I ever have since having children. Joe is coaching Jonah's hockey team, trying to get Micah to his hockey and trying to balance a brand new job. And I am coming undone to say the least. Even though I am probably one of the most unorganized people ever, I am a planner. Usually I am ahead of schedule with Christmas and I am not this year and I am feeling guilty in many, many areas. Am I the only crazy one out there or are all moms this insane or at least feel a little insane? And to top it all off we volunteered to host Joe's dad's extended family Christmas party with 23 adults and 13 children between the ages of 1 and 9. (Did I mention that we have Christmas Eve at our house as well?) I am not complaining. I am excited about it, just a little bit nervous and anxious and flipping out about my MESSY, MESSY house that has got to get picked up/cleaned up in like 4 days!!!

So now that everyone is healthy (not counting chapped lips and noses that won't stop running), I decided to get some pics of the kiddies. So just picture this with me; three kids, three smiles, three faces with eyes that are opened, six arms set nicely in a relaxed position (not flying up in the air, like animals), ...YEAH RIGHT!!! I literally turned into the most horrific picture-taking monster. My poor kids had to force smiles as I yelled at them in the most ugly, angry tone to,

"JUST LOOK AT THE CAMERA AND SMILE!!!"

And that wasn't all I was yelling. I was telling the boys how they were worst than the baby, and how they were acting like animals and I even told poor Jonah that he was "fake-smiling"!! So now the boys are crying and I am yelling at them to wipe away their tears and "SMILE!!" I know you probably think I am a horrible, abusive mother. Trust me, I feel like one. I am just being totally open and honest. I struggle with this. I fly off of the handle. Not just with my kids, but with my husband too. I'm sure I could use some counseling but I want to get some stuff out on the table. I am sick of pretending like I have it altogether and my life is perfect. I think if we start opening up with each other more with our weaknesses, maybe we could strengthen each other up a little bit more. I don't want to let the enemy win and sit here in a pool of guilt and self-pity, yet I struggle so much with forgiving myself, especially when I hurt my children's feelings and crush their little spirits. So, I'm just getting it out there. I am such a sinner. Sometimes I feel it so much more than other times. But there is so much hope because even what I consider to be "righteous acts are like filthy rags" (Isiah 64:6). Recently I found out the definition of filthy rags is exactly what you might imagine it to be, menstrual rags. (GAG!) So if my own good deeds compare to the former, I have so much to hope for in Christ. He forgives me as far as the east is from the west. Praise His Holy Name! He forgives me even when I can't forgive myself! Thanks be to my Redeemer! He graces me with His precious Holy Spirit who fills me up with the peace that passes all understanding. Thankfully, I can't completely put my mind around it though. I am grateful that God is God and I am (wo)man.

With that being said, today was a new day. I apologized to my babies and they told me that they forgave me. Today I tried to slow down a bit. I actually sat down at the piano and played some Christmas carols and immediately I was taken back to my childhood and all of the excitement of Christmastime seemed to well up inside of me. I envisioned the shepherds startled by unearthly angelic beings appearing in the quiet, dark night long ago. I pictured our king swaddled in his mother's arms as Joseph gazed down at a promise fulfilled. I imagined wise men journeying by a beaming star to the long awaited savior with their expensive gifts to present to him. I was humbled as I thought about my God leaving his place with the Father to make himself human and to come in the lowliest way...a feeding trough, with the smelly, dirty animals and to leave this earth in the most humiliating way possible...on the cross, beaten, scoffed at, with the lowliest of the low; with the criminals, the law-breakers, the sinners.

And once again, I am so humbled. I can and never will have it altogether. I will continue to mess up with my husband, my kids, etc... But I have a savior, a redeemer, who cared enough to come to this earth in the lowliest of ways and die for me, in the lowliest of ways... and one day He will return, in all of His Glory, to take me home to the place He has prepared for me. Thinking about that is enough for me to slow down and remember what life is all about.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Like a Dove

The date was December 3, 2000. I was pregnant with my first child and three days over due. On and off all day I was having contractions and finally in the evening around 9pm they started getting harder and more consistent. Joe drove me to the hospital which was a twenty minute car ride down a pot-hole infested Michigan freeway. That was not fun! We got to the hospital and I thought for sure the doctor was going to tell me I was ready to push but instead he let me know I was barely dilated to one and was going to send me home. I pleaded with him and told him how much pain I was in, so he admitted me to the hospital and gave me some medicine that was supposed to help me sleep but instead made me sick. The hours went by and while I was in the absolute worst pain of my life, my husband mistakingly complained about how uncomfortable the futon was that he was trying to sleep on (and oh how he has never lived that down, let me tell you!). My water broke sometime in the middle of the night filled with meconium and the midwife and a few residents came into my room and told me how the baby's heart rate was dropping and that they were going to call the doctor. I signed papers for an emergency c-section. I have never experienced the peace that passes all understanding until this moment in my life. Joe and I held hands, closed our eyes and prayed,

"Lord, we pray that you will let our baby live. If you choose to take him we accept that, but if you bless us with his life, we will give him back to you. He will be your servant. He won't be ours, he will be yours."

I was so at peace. I knew everything was going to be o.k., even if God didn't allow him to live. I can't even describe in words the comfort that I felt that night. A few minutes later one of the nurses came in and had me get on my hands and knees and rock back and forth. They put a fetal monitor on the baby's head and soon after the anesthesiologist came in and gave me my epidural (the best invention EVER!) and with in twenty minutes I was ready to push. They had the neonatal intensive care unit all set up in my room and the doctor told Joe he wasn't going to be able to cut the chord because it was probably around the baby's neck. Sure enough as soon as his little head popped out we saw the chord wrapped around his neck a couple of times. His skin appeared green. Quickly the doctor snipped the chord and minutes later my sweet Jonah arrived to planet earth. Immediately he let out this loud scream which was music to our ears. The NICU checked his vitals and told us everything was fine. They brought him to me and the love that fills a mother's heart the first time she holds her newborn is indescribable. Tears of joy filled our eyes as we gazed at this precious blessing. Our good friend who happened to be one of our pastors at the time, came in and prayed with us. Not knowing what we had asked our God earlier, he prayed that Jonah would become a mighty leader and servant of the Lord Jesus. While he was praying Joe and I sensed the presence of God right there in that little hospital room. We had such a confirmation in both of our spirits of God's will for our little baby's life.

Throughout these eight years of Jonah's life I often think of this miracle. Every year on his birthday I tell him the story all over again. His lips curl up into a little smile and his blue eyes twinkle as he looks up at me and asks to hear it again.
His name means "like a dove" and he truly is. One of the definitions of dove is peace. Jonah is so compassionate and loving. My prayer is that God will use him to bring this love and peace that comes from above to many. I know that his life is going to be significant. I know that he will lead many to Christ. I know this because my God chose to bless me with his little life and I truly believe God honored my prayer. Jonah is His servant and His child and I thank Him for allowing me the pleasure of mothering him.

Father in Heaven, please forgive me for not always remembering your miracle. Thank you for my sweet Jonah and help me to lead him and raise him in your ways. Thank you for your grace that you bestow on me when I don't but help me to do your will, daily.

A Grateful Heart

Pictures from Thanksgiving '06

Things I am thankful for:

* Love from Above
* My adorable children
* My fantastic husband
* My super supportive mom and dad
* My two amazing sisters
* Sweeties K.K. and Doug the pug
* My great sister-in-laws
* My kind brother-in-laws
* My LOVING mother-in-law and father-in-law
* All of the sweet grandmas and grandpas
* All of my extended family; aunts, uncles, cousins...
* All of the love that surrounds me and encourages me from all of these people
* Friendships, new and old
* Good Health
* Jobs in Michigan (that alone is a miracle)
* A cozy home and a warm bed
** Divine Peace from my gracious God

I am praying that on this Thanksgiving, everyone will feel the love that only comes from the Godhead, three in one.