Dreary Light

I woke up and felt a chill in the air. The window let no light in except a dull gray haze. I arose and walked through the tiny, dingy cabin and looked out the window to see rain drops sprinkling over our bikes as clouds hung thick and fog spread wide across the greatest of the lakes, Michigan. Stepping outside my face was immediately splattered with slushy droplets...How could this be the first day of July? Just two days ago it was 80 degrees and the sand was so hot we feared blisters on the soles of our feet. And today winter hits me in the face and all my hope is drowned. My gut wrings and the wind in my sails vanishes. My joy is covered up by the clouds and I can't seem to feel the warmth of any light at all. Why does the weather dictate my mood? Why do I have such a hard time finding blessing in the mundane dreariness of the tough times in life? As the sun finally appears in the sky as the day is almost done and warmth fills my whole physical and spiritual being, I am reminded that to appreciate the goodness, the sunshine and true joys in life, I must make my way through the darkness. Always searching for glimpses of His light...and as my favorite lake sparkles turquoise blue and reflects the sun so radiantly, I am inspired to do the same. I sink my toes in the sun-laden sand and pick up my husband's old baseball mitt...my middle boy has been begging to play catch...We warm up, I tell him to take it easy on me and true, deep contentment resonates everywhere as the sun sinks into my whole being. I wind up and throw a softball fast pitch with a small hardball, something I've never done. (And I left the wind up pitch on the field with the softball, the end of my 8th grade year..) It lands in the strike zone and I feel like I've just won the World Series because I saw that heart melting smile shine across the sand-field. I think to myself, it doesn't get much better than this...These little grace moments turning my messed up self into something better. And I carry on, contemplating this mixed up cold to hot day and utter a prayer to the One who is always listening, The God who hears me...May my beautiful yet broken life reflect pieces of the one who works together ALL things, shadows and light, joy and pain, ALL things together for my good...

Hum-bled

A familiar melody graces my ears.  That Micah in the middle of mine loves to hum and tends to soothe himself with it much of the time, especially before bed.  Tonight as I climbed the wooden stairs to tuck them in, I hear that sweet, still-little boy voice of his adorning the second level.  My first stop was in Ayla's room and she had already crashed.  I made my way to the boys' room and Joe joined me just as I climbed the bunk ladder...we both recognized the song simultaneously.  Together we put words to the tune for him and he joined in:

"Praise, Praise the Father, Praise the Son...And Praise the Spirit, Three-In-One...Oh Praise Him, Hallelujah..."

We sang some more together.  That little almost teenager of mine laying there so vulnerable, he faces many fears and right then and there it hits me hard...how he is understanding and taking in the gospel.  Application of teaching is so very present and right beneath my very nose as I witness this boy of mine seeking refuge in the only true refuge there is, my faith is strengthened.  We have faced tough times together, this family of ours.  Tempers have turned hot and life isn't always a bowl of cherries.  Let's face it, most of the time it can be very trying.  With three growing kids and two grown adults trying to grow up...we can sometimes mess it all up pretty badly.  But what hope I have tonight being reminded of the sweet solace granted to us through the Holy Spirit of God. 

As I scratched his back he switched the tune...

"Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be the name..." 

And I sing quietly into his ear,

 "...when the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say...Blessed be the name of the Lord..."

And as I wind down and ready for sleep, I have this reassurance...provoked and spurred on by my 12 year old oblivious middle child...that God, in His almighty divinity, Father, Son and Spirit...Three-In-One...God, is blessed...through the trials and through the joy...In darkness and in light...Blessed be the name of the Lord...

Praise His Holy Name!

Sweet Ayla

I posted this 6 years ago today....



Today my precious baby girl turned 2 years old! (yesterday we had her little party and she was definitely the little "belle of the ball") Memories of her birth flooded my mind all day as I played with her and held her and just stared into her beautiful blue eyes. I am so thankful to God for my darling girl.

When I found out that I was pregnant with her, Joe was convinced that we would be having twin boys. I didn't believe the ultrasound technician when she told me it was a girl. We actually had five confirmations through ultrasound and I still didn't believe it until moments after her birth in the delivery room. My pregnancy was very similar to the other two except that I was more nauseous with her than I was with the boys. After going for my 20 week ultrasound appointment my doctor informed me that the radiologist detected that her brain ventricles were "mildly prominent" and that she had a choroid plexus cyst. He told me not to worry but to schedule a level three ultrasound and to make sure my appointment had the genetic counselor there as well. The hospital could not get me in for three weeks. I was in agony. I was so worried about my baby and could do nothing but wait and pray. Of course I googled and looked up everything I could on the internet about this condition which only scared me all the more. Everything from developmental delays to hydrocephalus popped up. I remember specifically one evening when I was crying to Joe about how upset and worried I was and he looked at me with a wisdom that I never before had seen in his eyes and said,

"If God chooses to give us a special needs child, He will. He has a reason for everything and if it's His will, it's His will and it won't change the love I have for her already, as a matter of fact I'll probably love her even more!"

He had this reassuring peace and strength that I did not have. I remembering blaming myself for wanting a girl so badly and thinking this is what I get for wishing for her.

Before I got pregnant with Ayla, a friend from church came up to me and asked me when I was having my little girl. I was like What? How do you know I'll have a girl? She told me that she had envisioned my Joe, the boys and me with a little girl standing in front of a church and she had a feeling that I was going to have a girl one day. ...a couple of months later, Ayla was conceived... So after finding out about Ayla's condition, I ran up to her at church and in between sobs managed to explain what was wrong. She laid hands on me and prayed with me and as soon as she did, I felt this peace just come over me. That sick feeling in my stomach disappeared and I was at ease. At that moment, my faith grew more than it ever had before. I knew there was a God. The "God who sees me" saw me right then and there! So many people were praying for my baby. They were praying for God's healing and for His will at the same time.

So the weeks past and I went to my appointment. The genetic counselor wanted to be in the room and the technician scanned me and looked me straight in the face and said ,

"Her brain ventricles are completely normal and there is no cyst."

I started bawling my eyes out! I was so relieved! The doctor came in and scanned me and said it was probably an error. He said that they probably measured the wrong area of the brain. I thought, maybe...or maybe, just maybe...God performed a miracle and healed my baby. Why? I don't know why. All I know is that my God, "El Elyon": the Name, is the God who sees me. He hears my cries and calms my fears. He is Jehovah, God and through His precious son chose to give me life and I will forever praise his most holy name!

Lord, today as I celebrate the birth of my sweet Ayla, I thank you for hearing my cries and calming my fears. Thank you for my precious girl. May her life continue to be a testimony of your grace to an unbelieving world.

*And today she turned 8...our sweet girl has blessed us more than words can say. She is passionate, kind and determined. I love watching her grow in God's love and grace...She truly is our little miracle.. My friend, Deb, who prayed over her that Sunday so many years ago has now gone to be with Jesus. She's not with us anymore but her prayer of faith lives on in my precious girl. I think of her often but remember her especially on Ayla's birthday.  I am still encouraged by her boldness to step out in faith even when it wasn't natural. She listened to God's voice in her life and obeyed. May I be 

able to trust and obey Him in that same way, even when it's out of my comfort 

zone. 

I pray the same for my darling girl... 

 

 

Recharged

Every once in a while our batteries run down and we robotically face the day at a low voltage.  The mundane is just that and daily routine wears us thin...Cold Michigan winter doesn't help...neither does lack of sunshine which really does turn people into the 'Walking Dead', no joke.  And this is just how I have been feeling.  Numb, wordless, my soul has been hibernating away bearing the frigidness in the air.  The season hasn't been a total loss, there have been moments...but being honest, there has been an overall slightly apathetic haze that has fogged up my writing.  There really isn't any excuse except looking back now I needed a recharge.  Some jumper cables if you will to shock me a bit, rev things up, stir up this pot.

And this past weekend was just that.  We had an amazing conference at our church #missionhome2015...I was inspired, challenged, rejuvenated and motivated.  But mostly I am filled up with the best food for the soul that there is, the bread for my life, the word of God.   And as uncomplicated and simple as this is, the two things that Joe and I took away from the whole weekend was that we need to read the bible more and worship our God together as a family.  Simple but sometimes forgotten.  Life gets busy and we forget what is important.  We believe that the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever and we are praying to make some progress in these areas. 

We started last night, lighting our Lenten Wreath and sitting down together as a family for dinner...It started out great.  I captured an authentically content moment...

And minutes later we had to repeatedly warn one of the kids to "knock it off...or else..."  We tried to sing after dinner and silly/borderline blasphemous kids chimed in...It wasn't easy and most definitely not picture perfect as my patience quickly melted.  But it was a start.  And we will try again...And thankfully God in all of His abundant grace and mercy will give us strength to endure.  We will baby step our way if we have to.  Not for the sake of looking like a good moral family...not for the applause of others...and definitely not so our kids will think we are cool (because that's just never gonna happen:)) but all for the honor of the King of our lives.  Because of this I am certain..."He who began a good work in us [you] will carry it on to completion..." (Phil 1:6)  

2014 Recapped

So long 2014...

We made many memories...

Here is a recap of the pretty wonderful ones... 

The not so great ones are hidden in my heart hopefully helping shape me into something better...

But all won't be forgotten...

 

 

Looking back on 2013...

2013

2012...

2012

And  2011

2011

 

 

4 years have come and gone so fast.  My babies aren't little anymore...I love looking back at these moments and remembering each one.  God is so good and has blessed us beyond measure.  I sit here with a full grateful heart anticipating and embracing all that He has planned for us for 2015....

Big Dreams

We dream big for our children.  We want them to have it all.  We want them to live life to the fullest, to shine.  We want them to experience life better than we did.  To do everything we didn't.  Sometimes these yearnings creep up and tempt us to live vicariously through them.  But other times we are inspired to lead and teach our talents and creativity, sometimes athleticism or art.  There is a fine line between the two.  I pray for wisdom and guidance with this.  My girl, she is such a mixture of her daddy and myself.  And one thing she loves to do is sing which comes from both sides.  And to call her dramatic is pure truth.  So this mama has signed her up to try out for a musical at the local theater.  She is excited and nervous and thankfully we have pinned down an audition song.  This same little girl tried standing up in the grocery cart at three years old in the checkout lane at Kroger raising up her hands and singing/belting out, "I think I'll try DEFY_ING GRAVITY!"  She was knit together in the womb for greatness I tell you...

And of course this mama bear sees how amazing she is and how on tune she can sing...But others may not.  She may not make the cut.  And we are preparing for that.  But pondering on this as we prepare to literally face the music, I am reminded of how big our Heavenly Father dreams for us, His children.  He wants us to have all that He has prepared for us in this life.  He wants us to shine, to reflect His light out in the darkness.  And He is right there to lead us, to teach us and help us tap into our creativity and art.  Whether it be through our roles as mothers or wives, or employees or in ministry.  Whatever we do, He will be there with us for "We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

Others may not give you the applause and approval you think.  But thankfully we don't have to worry about pleasing anyone but the one who created us.  And how good to know that our God loves us so much that he sent us a savior who set us free so that we are made right and can't mess that up.  No matter how much we fail we always win with Christ. 

So today live out that dream that He has for you.  Be brave, take a step out on the stage of the great big world (whatever your world may look like today) and shine like the star you are in HIM...all for Him and His glory! 

In This, I Rest

We don't watch the news at our house.  If the television is on, usually sports commentators or tweenyboppers are filling the air space in the family room (unless the kids are sleeping and I am catching up on my favorite shows) Needless to say, I boycott the news.  I am not ashamed to admit that the current events I am aware of are mostly brought to my attention through the fb newsfeed.  Anything I don't catch there finds it's way to my ears through the lips of my beloved clients behind my chair.  But anyone breathing air has not been able to avoid the Ebola scare.  The kids come home from school updating me on the latest misinformed information.  The school nurse has made her rounds informing the students about staying home if they are sick and has reiterated washing hands.  (thank you for that, Nurse Cathie. They really are listening.  Nothing like a killer virus that has the potential to become the world's next major epidemic scaring my kids into finally washing their filthy hands!)   I have had 3 calls with a sick girl in the office since September.  I fear my 7 year old is turning into a hypochondriac along with the rest of the world.  But today she really was sick and the poor thing had to wait an hour and a half on the cot there because her Papa totally forgot to get her.  Sweet thing.  He felt awful and so did I.  That working mama guilt swallowed me whole and then spit me out just in time to smooth it all over with that consoling frosting I keep in my back pocket.  And it is no piece  of cake doing that, just FYI.  

But that little girl of mine, she was laying there on the couch with her rosy cheeks and glassy eyes and that horrible fear engulfed me.  What if she has it?  I mean we don't live that far from Akron, Ohio where the infected nurse flew to...And as soon as the thought crossed my mind, it crossed right back out into reality.  Jonah had a fever last week, and I'm sure she caught it...The media plays on our emotions.  Unfortunately anything to make a story, hype a crowd, pull a heartstring or trigger a panic attack always leads the headlines.  We run on emotion and fear.  And no one who is breathing is exempt from death.  We all will face it sooner or later.  Life is fleeting.  How will I live mine?  In fear of an awful disease or horrific accident?  Will I worry continually about my kids and their choices that go far beyond whether they wash their hands and much deeper into if they will seek refuge from worries and hardships in the things of this world or in the one who made them?  

And these questions and wonder slowly turn into a creeping anxiety that wrenches it's way into my gut.  I want to keep my loved ones safe in my bubble, cozied up next to me in this warm place...But if I've learned anything at all in this dance called motherhood it is submission to control is usually the most powerful tool.  Only when I cast any care from the least to the greatest at the feet of the one who grants all peace and comfort can I rest reassuringly.  Losing control and handing over the baton to Him who works together all things for the good of us who love Him grants me control over my fear.  And nobody loves His children more perfectly than He who created us in the first place.  "As a father has compassion for his children, so the LORD has compassion for those who fear him" (Psalm 103:13)  And he promises us comfort as well.  "As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you" (Isa. 66:13) I can find rest in these words of life today.  As my precious ones sip hot soup and lay cuddled up on the couch, I cast cares and fears upward at a heavenly throne to a listening ear who loves them more than I could ever imagine.  In this, I rest.